


Well Meant Subtlety and Worried Secrets

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Game, Asexual Character, Asexual John, Clinic AU, Dave and Jade are dorks, Demi John, F/M, Fluff, Humanstuck, I don't want to give it away but I also want to tag it, M/M, Multiple Pov, Reveal at the end, They sing in the first POV because they're cute and they are DORKS, no SBurb AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-04-04
Packaged: 2018-03-21 04:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3676863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade worries about her brother, and it isn't just because he keeps getting himself physically hurt. She worries about his heart, too. </p><p>John likes Karkat a lot, but he worries about himself, sometimes. Worries about things he hasn't said yet, but there's time, right? </p><p>Karkat might be an asshole, but that doesn't mean he's incapable of listening, or that he thinks he knows everything. He's learned the hard way that he doesn't. Karkat can also be a sensitive person, when he needs to be, especially when it's someone he cares about. </p><p>The hints all seem so small and subtle before he says it, but the words themselves are anything but that. Just because things aren't quite what people expect doesn't mean they're wrong, though, does it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Well Meant Subtlety and Worried Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want to reveal too much here, since the stuff I want to say spoils the contents of the fic pretty easily. So all I'll say is, enjoy the fifth installment of the Clinic AU, and if I made typos, I'm sorry. Feel free to point them out!
> 
> Also, feel free to leave any questions/comments at my tumblr: pennamepersona.tumblr.com or below in the comments!

Your brother is such a moron. Who even hurts themselves that badly doing a magic trick, it's ridiculous! He is ridiculous.

"This one was kind of impressive." Dave says from behind you. You nod.

"I know! And he was so calm about the whole thing, it's kind of disconcerting." You say, shaking your head. You try not to worry too much about your brother, but it's hard when he gets hurt so often. You're always afraid that he's going to trip, slip, and boom, suddenly no John. Or maybe still John, but not the same John. A John who can't run or jump or move the way that you know he needs to, a John with brain damage, possibly, a John that of course you would all still love, but.

Anyway. Your brother is a complete idiot, and it worries you more than you wish it had to.

"John's a moron," Dave shrugs, pulling you to sit down in one of the waiting room chairs. The two of you brought John to the hospital after the small explosion (it was a fairly simple magic trick, one that you've seen him do plenty of times before, but unfortunately, this is John, so of course he managed to find some way to injure himself spectacularly. You aren't even surprised anymore!), but he insisted on going into the clinic instead of the main hospital portion. The corner of Dave's mouth had pulled up at that, which opened up all sorts of potential interesting dirt on your brother. He did not tell you everything, but what you didn't know, Dave did.

(Except for that time when Rose had been the one John went to, and she'd been the only one to know and talk him through it for so long because he was so scared of the rest of you finding out. That was just once, though, he's gotten better over the years at trusting himself in that area. Why he thought you wouldn't still love him just the same regardless, you've never been quite sure, but you do your best to understand.)

"Alright, so what's the deal with the clinic?" You ask, leaning on the arm of the chair.

"Oh, that." Dave says, subtle amusement on his face. If you didn't know him so well, you doubt you would spot it. "Look over there."

He gestures to where John is speaking to the nurse at the counter. The nurse is standing there, staring at John, utterly speechless. You hear John talking.

"Alright, but really, Karkat, I'm feeling kind of woozy here, can you please get me in to see someone," He says, one hand going up to his forehead (you hope he isn't losing too much blood, you know head wounds bleed a lot (you wish you didn't know that because of John) but this really is quite a bit, what if he needs more care - no, Harley, you promised yourself you would worry less! You promised Dave, too, so stop now!). The nurse jumps up, rushes through the door separating the rest of the clinic from the waiting area, and supports John to a room. He doesn't come back out, so you guess he must be helping John himself.

"I can see what's happening," You half-sing, hoping Dave catches on.

"And they don't have a clue," He continues, and you grin.

"They'll fall in love, and here's the bottom line," You lean on him.

"Our trio's down to two," He smiles down at you.

"The sweet caress of twilight,"

"There's magic everywhere,"

"And with all this romantic atmosphere . . ."

"Disaster's in the air!" You finish together, and you laugh against him.

"I hope it isn't, though." You sigh into his chest. His arm goes around you, squeezes once.

"Me too, babe. Me too."

 

* * *

 

 

It's really nice out tonight! You are totally loving this warmer weather, which isn't to say that you can't handle the cold. Of course you can! You were born and raised in Washington (the state, not the government city place), which is not exactly known for its tropical temperatures!

Still, though, you have always loved the warming-up, melting period that happens just before spring. It's a pleasant stretch, when forty degrees feels really nice, and fifty is glorious.

Tonight is glorious, you think. Even aside from the weather! You're out with Karkat, you had a fancy dinner, you did that thing where you stare at each other and get kind of lost (and he got scared by the waiter, which was hilarious, but also kind of sweet? It definitely made you feel stuff that you liked), and now you're out in the park, which is totally fun!

Especially because it's with him. You really like Karkat. You really, really like Karkat, and you think that he likes you too. A lot. Which is great, so great, oh my gosh, you can barely contain how great it is.

And that's why you're running and jumping around, you think. You aren't exaggerating when you say that you can hardly contain how great all of this is, how great he is, how great it is that you and him are an us and a we - it bubbles up inside you, punches you in the gut, makes you feel free, like you could take off and fly! But even if you could fly, you think you'd come right back down to him. Maybe you could hold him and you could fly together!

You think that would be great. But you can't fly (which totally sucks, flying would be really useful and also awesome), so you content yourself with coming back to him, holding his hands that fit so nicely in yours. You like the warmth from him, the simple, basic comforts found in the presence of another human being, but also the added thrill of those simple, basic comforts found specifically in this human being. You're a pretty tactile person, always have been, and that's led to some minor trouble for you (they said you were giving the wrong message, but you didn't think you were - you just liked to be close to them, just hands touching hands, just an arm over a shoulder, just a hug, just gentle warmth, just the basic sensation of it, and why was that so hard for them to understand, it seemed simple to you, why were they pushing you when everyone made it sound like the other way around), but you've gotten past that, and Karkat's never seemed to mind, never pushed, and you appreciate that more than you can say.

You bring your face to Karkat's, touch your noses together, not planning on doing anything particular, just having more of him close to you, but he kisses you and wow are you not complaining.

You really like kissing Karkat. You like holding his face while you kiss him, keeping him close and nice and warm and pleasant in ways you cannot quite make into words. You definitely like it when he puts his hands in your hair, holds you closer like he understands what you aren't quite saying. You like tasting him, too, because you are a very tactile person, and you like using your senses, genuinely enjoy the sensations of life, and maybe especially the sensations of Karkat.

When you stop kissing him, it does something strange to you. You aren't sure if you like or dislike it, but you think that he feels it, too. His eyes are a bit wild, a bit lost, like he's misplaced some of his anchor to reality, to himself, and you're consumed for a moment by the desire to become his anchor, which, honestly, seems a bit ridiculous to you.

A bit ridiculous, but also, sort of. Pleasant? As an idea. Maybe.

Have you been staring at him for too long? You really aren't a good judge of these things. You could stare at Karkat for a really long time and not find it really weird. The only weird part would be wondering if he found it weird, which you hope he doesn't, that would be probably not good. Are you rambling in your thoughts right now? It kind of seems like you're rambling in your thoughts right now.

Gosh, Karkat has gorgeous eyes.

"John," He speaks suddenly, and you use all of your willpower to keep your glance at his lips to just a mere flicker of your concentration. "I don't want to leave."

"Me neither." You say, still looking deep into his eyes, struck dumb for a short while because you were thinking the same thing just then, thinking that you really wanted to stay right here, exactly like this, while everything is still so wonderful and easy.

Or at least, easier than it will be later. And that's a dumb thought, you aren't interested in focusing on that tonight, so you shove it roughly aside and put your desperation into kissing Karkat, take all of your desires to just be close to him, and try to communicate them with one kiss.

It's crazy, you know it's crazy, but it feels like maybe he gets it.

Maybe he'd get more than just this? Maybe. You don't want to rush things. You really don't. Apparently people would not guess it from looking at you, or getting to know you a little bit, but you like to take things slow. You like knowing a person well before you do stuff like this, and you've been well informed that it can come across as "leading someone on" or "taking things too slowly", and that it can even be considered insulting (which seems really confusing and strange to you).

But. Karkat's been okay with things. You think he has, anyway. And. You feel comfortable with him. So, this thing right now, where you're kissing in the park, and it's dark, and it's just the two of you...you kind of want it to last forever.

And you mark him, so that it will have proof of lasting longer than just the night.

And he marks you, too, even though he can't see it. Even though he probably doesn't know it. He does. He puts himself into you, a little bit, marks his claim on your heart, and you are honestly a little scared of that. But you can deal with being a little scared, you think.

You can handle it, if it can be like this.

 

* * *

 

 

"Hey there, Karkat!"

You look up to see Jade coming into the clinic and give her a nod of acknowledgement.

"He'll be out in a little bit," You say, still focused on the unfortunate paperwork aspect of your job. Augh, any filing is too much filing. "Kanaya's patching him up."

"He was really going to try and drive with a sprained wrist?" She asks, leaning against the counter in John's usual position.

"You know the idiot better than me, does it really surprise you?" You shoot back, giving her a wry smile.

"I wish it did." She says, and you're surprised for a moment at her tone. Normally, you would not characterize Jade as a bitter person. You don't know her exceptionally well, but even in your somewhat limited experience with her, she's been strikingly like her brother in the optimism, cheerfulness, and ridiculous, yet still somewhat endearing, quirkiness.

(That's not to say that she can't be fucking scary if she wants to be. She never did give you the cliché "Hurt my brother and I'll rip out your insides" speech, but you didn't think that she really needed to. She and Dave had been here waiting for John a few weeks ago, she had mentioned "roughing it", Dave had brought up her gun collection, and that had pretty much been that. You'd gotten the picture.)

And yet, her voice right there, combined with the downward glance, doesn't speak of cheerfulness. You think that maybe they speak of something else that John shares with his sister: caring almost too much and wearing that care openly. You can't say that you know Jade too well, and you wouldn't at all be surprised to learn that you're missing out on some nuances of her expression right now, but you don't feel off in guessing that John's recklessness upsets her.

Hm. You've thought about his excessive risk-taking before, but. You didn't really feel that it was your place to say something? You've known him for under a year, and you've only been together for about three and a half months. Still, though. You have thought about, and it looks like you aren't the only one.

"Hey, Karkat?" Jade looks at you, and you snap out of your thoughts.

"What is it?" You ask.

"You care about my brother a lot, right?" The tone of her voice is innocent enough, and overall, she still seems vaguely gentle and fragile (though you don't doubt that she could kick your ass if the notion struck her as worth it), but her eyes demand nothing but the truth from you. There's an intensity to her that throws you off, a bit, though you admire it about as much as you're [scared] unnerved by it.

"Yeah," You say, put off a bit by the question. You weren't expecting it, but you aren't really afraid of answering it. You're a fairly honest person (too honest, hard to make friends when you blurt out everything you're thinking and little to none of it is pleasant), but you're even less likely than normal to lie about this sort of thing.

"Let him set the pace." She says, seriousness layering every part of her tone.

"O...kay?" You say, confusion radiating from you so thickly that you swear the authors of the "for Dummies" books all just fell off their chairs and are grabbing violently for a notebook, a computer, anything, the desperate need to educate the idiots of the world overcoming them completely.

"He's going to want to go slow. Let him. He likes you a lot, Karkat, and you seem like a decent guy, so..." She trails off a bit, as though she isn't entirely sure how to phrase her thoughts. "Trust him, okay? Just. Trust that even though he might not do some of the stuff that you might be used to from other people, that doesn't mean he doesn't care. Because he does."

"Alright." You say, still pretty confused, but willing to listen to her. She does know John far better than you, and if this sort of thing has been enough of an issue in the past for her to tell you now, then you should probably pay attention.

She seems surprised by your answer, but she doesn't say anything else. Admittedly, this may be because John just came out of the exam room, wrist all wrapped up. Kanaya looks out the door and shakes her head after him, though there is a fondness to it.

"Hey, doucherag." You say, tossing John a brief smile. He rolls his eyes, grins back.

"Hey, asshole. Still on for Thursday night?"

"Of course."

He walks out with Jade, who waves to you, her eyes still a bit too serious.

Well. That's certainly going to be something for you to think about.

 

* * *

 

The sunlight in John's apartment is soft and warm, leaving gold everywhere it touches. There's no noise except for the turning of pages, the gentle scratch that fits so well with this lazy day, muted with gentle heat, spring slowly turning to summer.

The two of you are on his couch, John sitting up and leaning on one arm, the hand not holding his book open stuck through his hair, and you laying down, head propped up on one of his legs, eyes a bit heavy lidded even though you aren't truly all that tired. John is reading something that was recommended to him by Rose a while ago. It's a good book, an excellent piece of queer literature, which you'll admit to having a soft spot for. You're fond of books that make non-heterosexuality seem like something natural, something people shouldn't be ashamed of. You've loved those books since you were a teenager, grappling with who you were in far too many ways, like so many teenagers do.

You've had people of multiple ages come into the clinic and ask you questions about sexuality. It doesn't happen that often, maybe a couple of times a month, but it always leaves you thinking when it does. You've always had support at home and from your friends, and you've rarely had a problem telling people exactly what you think of their bigotry. You know a lot of people aren't as lucky as you were (are), and sometimes.

Sometimes, when you're lying awake at night, you think about that.

"Hey John?" You speak up before you've really, consciously decided to ask the question.

"Hm?" He asks, taking his eyes off his book to smile down at you. Fuck, sometimes you're still caught off guard by the look in his eyes. Your heart aches, but it's the sort of ache that seems to fit in perfectly with the feeling of the room.

"What's your sexuality?" You ask. It's never really come up before, not in all the talking you've done. It never needed to, exactly, not when none of his friends or his father seemed surprised that you weren't female, not when he's never flinched away from your masculinity. And besides, though you do talk nearly every day, even if it's only texting, there's only so much time that both of you have to really spend with each other in person. This seems like something to talk about with him physically next to you, both of you alone, nothing really pressing going on.

His leg stiffens underneath your head for a brief moment, and his exhale comes out a bit harshly. You blink, waking up from the half-stupor the sun's warmth and the nearness of John had put you in. You sit up, watching as John quietly closes his book and sets it aside. Was this a bad thing for you to ask? No, you can ask something like this, right? You're allowed? Of course you are. You're his boyfriend, you've been together for six months, known each other for over a year, and. It seemed alright to ask a minute ago, when everything was peaceful and calm and nice, but now there's a tension in the air that's leaving you slightly jarred and confused.

"Uhm. Yeah, okay, time to talk, then." John says, sighing and running a hand through his already messy hair.

"Well that isn't ominous as fuck or anything," You say, brows drawing together.

"It's not anything bad." He says, looking at you, his eyes so different from they were just a few moments ago, suddenly so serious and a bit worried. "At least, it shouldn't be. I don't think it should be. But people. People aren't always great about it."

"What is it, John?" You ask, more nervous than before, but some kind of calm coming through you as well. You've talked to people before who were ashamed about one thing or another that you don't think they should have to be ashamed of. Some things were kinks, some were nervous affections, and some had to do with sexual or romantic orientation. You aren't unused to this type of discussion, you've even had it with other romantic partners, but you weren't really expecting it right now.

"I'm asexual." He says, and you catch a spark of panic in his eyes that stabs your heart. You allow yourself half a moment to absorb his words, to let your thoughts run wild.

"Okay," You say, still not quite ready to form a full sentence, but you aren't going to leave him hanging, not after that.

"Okay?" He asks, nothing but raw emotion anywhere, and you've got this crazy thought that he thinks you're going to walk out or something, and fuck, that thought hurts.

"Yeah, okay." You say. "I'm processing still, but. I mean, I'm not going to leave or anything, I'm just trying to think."

"Oh. Alright." He says, and you can see him swallow.

"Is it okay if I ask for specifics?" You ask, half wanting to touch him, half wanting to stand up and pace, to grab at your hair and pull, like it'd help to ground you better so that you can think quickly and rationally.

"Yeah, uhm, sure." He shifts a bit, takes a deep breath, looks right into your eyes. "I'm not really sex-repulsed, but I'm also not totally sex-positive, either? More sex-neutral than anything else, but also probably demi-sexual, too, because I don't want anything to do with lopsided intimacy, if that makes sense?"

"Yeah, I'm following you," You say, and you think that you really are. You think suddenly of a time a couple of months ago when the two of you spent the night watching movies here until it wasn't late, it was early, and he insisted that you stay over. He'd led you into the bedroom, both of you tired, and seemed to catch himself at the threshold of the room. He'd grabbed a shirt and pajama pants and left you to the bed, saying that he'd sleep on the couch, completely refusing to budge on the matter. The bed had been comfortable, had smelled like him, and though you really wouldn't have minded his warmth near you, you think that you understand what he's saying about the intimacy. You know that the two of you have gotten closer since then, and you think that maybe now, sleeping in the same bed might be acceptable. That might be nice, actually. Okay, think more about this later, right now focus on what John's saying, that's the important part.

"So you're. I mean. You're okay with this?" He asks, and fuck, the worry, the fear in his eyes, that shit's got to stop. No more of that. Hell, you think his eyes are even a bit glassy, no way you're holding together if this asshole starts crying. Fuck this shit, just fuck it.

"Of course I'm okay with it, you idiot." You say, reaching out to him, slightly hesitant despite yourself. You keep remembering previous moments where he seemed oddly worried, that occasional flash of panic that was always so easily explained away, and you feel like another piece of your heart is cracking.

He lets you hug him, and it's good because both of your faces are hidden, and you can let a few drops of moisture hit your shirt and just tighten your arms instead of needing to say anything. And if a few tears escape you as well, then at least it doesn't really damage the shredded vestiges life has left of your pride.

"You could have told me sooner, you know." You say quietly. "You didn't have to, but you could have, if you'd wanted to."

You decide that if the gentle droplets of moisture on your shoulder don't stop soon, you're going to have to pull back and face his tears, kiss them off of his cheeks or something because you're only going to be able to stand so much of this.

"Thank you." He says, just as quietly as you, voice slightly broken. "For being okay with it. People haven't been, before."

"Well fuck them," You say, and if you voice is broken, too, then so be it. "I love you, you stupid, beautiful idiot."

"I love you too, Karkat," He says, maybe crying a little harder into your shoulder. That's okay, though, you think. They aren't sad tears, and they aren't happy tears, either. They're tears of relief, and you aren't going to deny this stupid, beautiful idiot that. Not now. Possibly not ever.

You're just going to hold him, pull back, kiss him gently, and fuck, you're going to love him.

**Author's Note:**

> Dave and Jade singing the Lion King version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was suggested by my brilliant friend, who also read through this fic before I posted it, due to my apprehension about the reveal of John's sexuality.
> 
> My dear friend, you know who you are, and you are absolutely the best. Thank you for everything!
> 
> I tried to represent asexuality accurately, and personally, I am happy with what I wrote. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them at my tumblr: pennamepersona.tumblr.com, or below. I hope that you enjoyed the fic, and that you are all happy with this portrayal of asexuality. Sexuality is complicated, and not all asexuality is the same. If you don't know much about asexuality, I wholeheartedly encourage you to look it up and learn more. 
> 
> Also: if you enjoy this verse and want more of it, I can't ever make guarantees about fics, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of other pieces of this verse sitting around in my head, or waiting to come into existence due to questions! I would be happy to rant about this verse and these characters, so if you want that, please, ask away!! Come to my tumblr if you want something specific, detailed, and/or lengthy, as I'm a bit unwilling to leave spoilers and the like here in the comments.
> 
> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


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